JEEBUS FRIES!

So.

Yesterday.

I went on a boat trip to Whittier. Now, on the Glacier Spirit, Whittier is about a 5-hour trip, if we just deadhead it. With passengers, of course, we're stopping at Columbia Glacier and Bullhead and Lake Bay and to look at whales and what have you, so it's usually about 7-8 hours.

Yesterday, we had 30 glaciologists on board, and a slightly different itinerary. We left the dock at 7 am, went to Columbia (and got all the way to the face), went to Bullhead to look at sea lions (and then found a couple big humpbacks nearby), went to Lake Bay to look at the hatchery (and some guy zoomed by on a speedboat and mooned us), then we went into a place called Blackstone Bay to look at several glaciers and really lovely waterfalls back there.

Now, according to the weather report, yesterday morning was supposed to be pretty nice on the water -not sunny, but not icky- and then in the afternoon the wind was supposed to pick up, blow 30 knots out of the SE, and pick up some 7-footers from the Gulf as well.

Around here, that is not a fun time.

Anyway, as we were heading out of Blackstone, we were going into the wind, and it was providing some chop. At the mouth of the bay, we made a lefthand turn to keep heading to Whittier, and that put the wind at our back, so it was pretty smooth till we got to Whittier.

That's where it got scary. We were pretty much on time (supposed to be there around 6:30 or 7), but the dock that we normally use was uh...unavailable.

That is to say, it was there, and it was empty, but the waves were going over it. The waves themselves weren't ENORMOUS, like 3-footers, but with the wind blowing however the hell fast it was blowing and the rain literally going sideways, docking there would have been difficult, and then our passengers would have gotten soaked from about the thighs down when they got off the boat.

Cap'n Chris called some people in Whittier while we sat out in the chop and they told him where to go to dock a little easier, so we slipped around the first dock and went to another little finger at the end of a pier. A guy was there waiting for us, so Chris eased the boat into the slip and I tossed him the spring and we got the boat tied up fairly easily.

We offloaded everyone, and they tipped us and said they hoped we had a safe trip back. When we left the dock again, we were all SOAKED. The backs of John's pants were plastered to his skin, and Susan and I weren't much better. I was the only one who'd thought to bring an extra pair of clothing, so I put on my dry jeans and let Susan wear my dry shirt since my other shirt was dry anyway.

Chris said it was a good thing no one had been looking at his hands as he docked, because they were shaking so badly. It was really scary.

Then, we headed back. It was getting dark, and then factor in the wind and sideways rain and it was just kind of freaky. John drove for a while so Chris could nap. I tried to sleep, but kept getting rolled around.

At one point, I was lying under a bench and I felt the boat slow down, and we hit some really big waves. I figured I should get up and look out, because when I start feeling queasy it helps to look outside and fix my eyes on a steady point.

Only problem was there wasn't any steady point to look at. It was pitch black out. We did have a spotlight on the bow, and that illuminated the waves as they crested, so I looked at those. I was getting a little dizzy, but then they turned the boat and we zipped into Glacier Passage and I was able to go back and lay down, because it's calm back there.

We got back to the dock at around midnight-thirty. By 1, I was home and in bed, and it felt so good. Oy.

I was supposed to go out on a 6-hour today (a charter for a group of tax accountants...you know that would have been stimulating), but it's pretty crappy out there. Foggy, nasty, pouring rain...so the trip was cancelled, and I'm glad.

I'll be spending a couple nights at getting_weary's house while she and her husband are in Anchorage, so I probably won't be online a lot.

Mom's coming home today, so that's exciting.

But I won't see her till tonight. Between now and then, I have to go work on a boat, on a gray, rainy, depressing day, with wind and snow falling on the mountaintops. I kinda hope we don't have a lot of people today, because I really don't want to have to talk to anyone if I can help it.

It's amazing the difference the weather can make in your mood. If it was a little brighter out, or not raining, or raining but with patches of sky between the clouds, or not windy...if any one of those elements were missing from the equation, I might feel better. But, as it is, I have decided I hate people and don't want to be around them anymore.

Our 6-hour trip on the boats takes us to look at Columbia Glacier. Technically, in our brochure, it says "Look at the icebergs of Columbia Glacier." We can usually see the glacier itself (unless it's really foggy) but we can't get close to it. When people make their reservations, the office staff tells them, EACH AND EVERY ONE, that we cannot usually get close to the glacier. Normally, the absolute closest we can get is up to the terminal moraine, about 9 miles from the face. This is because of the massive icebergs that break of the glacier. They float forward and get stuck on the moraine, and then all the smaller ice gets packed behind it. Usually, the forebay is literally a field of ice. It is impassable.

The ticket office TELLS people that. And it's been that way for 24 years.

So why do people whine when we can't get to the face of the glacier? Why do they ask if there are OTHER boats in town that DO get to the face?

Do they not SEE the packed ice from the face all the way to the moraine? Of course we can't get to the face, unless we wanted to get out and walk. And, y'know, good luck with that, Douchebag.

Yesterday, we had like 4 people leave nasty comments in the guestbook. "Waste of money," "very disappointed," and "?? Miles to glacier??" My brother heard one lady saying, "They should tell you that you can't get close to the glacier!"

THEY DO. Is it our fault if you don't listen?

Today at work, Ryan told myself and Charles an amusing story.

On our 9-hour trip, we serve two meals. The first meal is chicken on rice with alfredo sauce and vegetables. The second is soup, either clam chowder or minestrone.

So, Chip was in the galley, stirring the alfredo sauce in one of the pots we also use to make soup.

Chip: *stir stir*

Random Man: Soup.

Chip: No, sir. It's not soup.

Random Man: SOUP!

Chip: ...No sir. This isn't soup, it's alfredo.

Random Man: *snarls* I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH! *stalks away*

Seems summer has finally arrived. Yay, sun.

Today went well. Nothing too cool or unusual.

But this morning, after morning announcements, two ladies got on board. When people come on the boat after we've done announcements, we have to stop them and basically run through announcements for them again. Where the PFDs are, how to put them on, and what we serve for lunch are the main things we have to catch them with.

So these ladies get on board (we'll call them Rude and Chuckles). I catch them just as they're heading onto the bow and say, "Hi, ladies. I just have to run through announcements for you real quick since you missed them."

I start getting out a PFD from under the counter to show them how to put them on.

Rude: Actually, I think we know how to put those on.

Me: ...Okay, well this is where they're located...

Rude: Great. Is that all?

Me: *flustered* Um, we serve a meal on board today. It's New England clam chowder with a bagel and cream cheese, or we have a vegetarian minestrone if you don't want the chowder. Would the chowder be okay, or do you want the veggie soup?

Chuckles: Chowder will be fine...but I can't have the bagel, 'cause I'm not Jewish. *smiles expectantly*

Me: *blinks, can't think of anything to say*

Chuckles: I can't have the bagel, though, because I'm not Jewish! *grins and raises her eyebrows*

Chuckles' Brain: Bud-a-bum ching.

Rude: *starts laughing*

Me: ...Okay. If you have any more questions, just ask one of the crew.

I mean, I get that bagels are Jewish in origin, but was what she said really that funny?

A couple days ago, Colleen came down and told us that a woman who had just booked herself on the 9 hour asked if Stan (president and namesake of the company) was gonna be the captain the day she was going out. She was told that no, Stan would be captaining the 6-hour that day. Her reply was, "Oh, I'm concerned for my safety! Do your other captains have experience?"

Amanda: No.

Ticket Office Girls: YES.

Amanda: *to us, later* Yes, we just hired some bum off the street to drive our boat for the day.

They told Chris that he should say into the microphone, "Hi um...I'm Chris...they just hired me today. I hope I can find everything."

And Julie told me this story.

She was on the bow of one of the boats while they were watching a purse seiner pull in his catch. The seiners here catch salmon (intentionally) and jellyfish (unintentionally). Julie heard this old couple talking:

Feeble Old Man: Oh, look. You can see all those sea urchins there in the net that they're catchin'.

Tottery Old Lady: Oooh. Which ones are the sea urchins, again?

Feeble Old Man: You know, the parachute ones. *makes hand motions*

Tottery Old Lady: *nodding sagely* Ooooh. Starfish.

My aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin's girlfriend, and other cousin are here for a week or so, so I'm not sure when I'll be online or whatever. Talk to y'all later.

We saw orcas again today. Yay! It was a pretty nice day all around.

Ryan and Cap'n John convinced some poor 8-year-old girl that Ryan's given name was "Diva Boy," that I was his mother, and that Charles was his brother. I came into the galley where she was talking to Charles and Susan and she asked me, "Are you Diva Boy's mom?"

Me: ...Yes.

Little Girl: Will you make him dance?

Me: Uh...okay. *follows the little girl upstairs, where "Diva Boy" and John are looking quite smug.

Little Girl: *whispers* I think they're lying.

Me: I think you're a very smart little girl.

Little Girl: *plants herself next to Cap'n John, folds her arms, stares at him* If I was your mother, I'd ground you! For two years!

John: Two years? I'm GLAD you're not my mom! I think you made the right choice when you decided not to have kids.

Little Girl: *whispers to me* Is his name really Diva Boy?

John: *overhears* I've seen his birth certificate. It says "Diva D. Boy."

Me: His name is Ryan.

Little Girl: *glares at Ryan* Well, hello, RYAN.

Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about. That's not my name.

Then it was time to dock the boat, so I went downstairs.

Okay, and one more thing.

Parents,

If you rent a pair of our (sorta crappy) binoculars, PLEASE don't give them to your 3-year-old for the day and let him run around with them, drag them on the ground, swing them into walls, and bang them on the floor. The reason they suck is because people keep DOING that.

Bite me, and have a nice day.

Your friendly crew chief. (No, I'm not a stewardess. No, I'm not the captain. No, you do NOT have permission to come aboard.)

I was on the 9 hour today. It was okay, but we had 106 people and I just felt like I was running my ass off all day. Bryan and Jessica came on the boat but I barely got a chance to talk to them at all. I had a headache and there was a portion of the trip (about an hour and a half or so) where it was sort of bumpy. I was walking around making sure everyone felt okay, and almost everyone did, but one lady was retching into a cup. I kept bringing her empty cups and taking away her full ones, and she was very nice and grateful, but COME ON. The second day in row I've had to deal with vomit. Luckily, she wasn't getting it ON anything. And she wasn't crapping her pants. So yay.

Also.

Dear creepy teenager:

O___O to you, too.

Today was much better than yesterday. Still foggy and rainy (though less so) and the water was very nice indeed. I hear the short trip even got into the face of Columbia Glacier.

I was on the long trip, we saw 2 humpbacks (which is like the first time in a week I've seen any) and a big piece of ice fell off of Meares. We only had 37 people today, so it was kind of a slow day, but still nice. Some nice people on board.

I did have one sort of odd encounter with an older lady today, though. We were at Meares, and I was outside in my longsleeve shirt and fleece vest, watching for any calving. This lady came out the door behind me, dressed in a sweater and long wool skirt.

Odd Lady: You are an Eskimo! I am a swamp thing and you are an Eskimo! *beams, wanders away*

Me: *le blink*

Stan was my cap'n today. He's the owner of the company. He's in his 70's. He's grumbly and growly and looks like Captain Ahab.

Today, after we got in, I was picking up trash on the boat (people are PIGS) and I found a crayon.

Stan was muttering about a kid who had been climbing on benches all day. To cheer him up, I said, "Hey, Stan. Want a crayon? It's red."

Stan: *petulant* No. I only like pink crayons.

Today was much better than yesterday.

We saw 3 baby (TEENY TINY) bears and a loon with loonlets, and 2 humpbacks, and SCADS of porpoise (some of them were swimming with the second whale) and 2 sharks.

And we got everything done on time.

And there was a guy who looked a little like Greg Kinnear on the boat.