JEEBUS FRIES!

Fourth grade Kids Club was this past Thursday. Now, it seems like, whenever Kids Club comes about, I'm on here complaining about it.

Today is no exception.

Actually, I don't dislike Kids Club. Sometimes I think I do, but I don't.

What I mean is, I enjoy the thought of Kids Club, and I like most of the kids who come to read. But, just like everything in life, it's not all good.

Out of the maybe 25 kids who encompass the participants in the recording sessions, there are about 3 or 4 who make me thoroughly uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable, I mean I want to throttle them.

This one girl whines all the freakin' time. I just want to say, "You know what? Don't bother coming here, if you're going to be so unpleasant." And a couple times I've said something along those lines to her (well, it was more like, "If you don't want to be here, you don't have to be. The door is right there.") The problem with her is that she'll show up and, for the first half of the session, be completely pleasant. She smiles, participates...she's a good reader, too. Good enunciation.

Then I think she starts getting tired or something, and Whiny McWhinypants appears. I asked the kids this time to come up with some ideas of things they want for a theme for next month's session. First, she said she didn't want to do it, because she "hates thinking up things." I told her she didn't have to.

A couple minutes later, I was handing out paper to write ideas on, and asked if she wanted to do it, and she said yes. As we brainstormed, she whimpered, "I can't think of anything."

I said, "Well, you don't have to do it if you don't want."

And she snapped, "I WANT to do it, I SAID I just can't THINK of anything!"

Well, okay there, Scary McYellybutt.

The boss told the kids to come up with things they want their parents to know about (one girl said, "Mom, I'm starting to like boys.") Another girl said, "Ooh, how 'bout driving safety! Like learning to drive!"

Cranky McWhinerson (in the snottiest voice possible): "Our parents already KNOW how to drive. They have drivers licenses!"

"Hey," I said. "No naysaying, please." I doubt she knows what "naysaying" means, but I couldn't think of another way to say SHUT YER HOLE, ANNOYING GIRL without actually, you know, saying it.

After work, mom and Chaz took me out to Thai food. They picked me up at the trailer. As I slumped in my armchair, mom asked "How was work?" And I immediately went into a rant about whiny little Bratz doll wannabes. Mom turned to Chaz and said, "Oooh...I forgot it was Kids Club day. You shouldn't talk to her on Kids Club day."

Heh. I didn't realize I was that cranky.

We saw orcas again today. Yay! It was a pretty nice day all around.

Ryan and Cap'n John convinced some poor 8-year-old girl that Ryan's given name was "Diva Boy," that I was his mother, and that Charles was his brother. I came into the galley where she was talking to Charles and Susan and she asked me, "Are you Diva Boy's mom?"

Me: ...Yes.

Little Girl: Will you make him dance?

Me: Uh...okay. *follows the little girl upstairs, where "Diva Boy" and John are looking quite smug.

Little Girl: *whispers* I think they're lying.

Me: I think you're a very smart little girl.

Little Girl: *plants herself next to Cap'n John, folds her arms, stares at him* If I was your mother, I'd ground you! For two years!

John: Two years? I'm GLAD you're not my mom! I think you made the right choice when you decided not to have kids.

Little Girl: *whispers to me* Is his name really Diva Boy?

John: *overhears* I've seen his birth certificate. It says "Diva D. Boy."

Me: His name is Ryan.

Little Girl: *glares at Ryan* Well, hello, RYAN.

Ryan: I don't know what you're talking about. That's not my name.

Then it was time to dock the boat, so I went downstairs.

Okay, and one more thing.

Parents,

If you rent a pair of our (sorta crappy) binoculars, PLEASE don't give them to your 3-year-old for the day and let him run around with them, drag them on the ground, swing them into walls, and bang them on the floor. The reason they suck is because people keep DOING that.

Bite me, and have a nice day.

Your friendly crew chief. (No, I'm not a stewardess. No, I'm not the captain. No, you do NOT have permission to come aboard.)

I was scheduled for the long trip today. I got to work at 9 am. At 9:10, Amanda came in and told me that they'd tried to call me at home, but had missed me by 5 minutes. Mary Helen was sick and couldn't crew chief the 6 hour, so they wanted me to do it. So I helped get the big boat ready and then spent the next 2 hours in the office, playing on the computer. Sucked because I was there 3 hours before I needed to be, rocked because I got payed for the 9 hour while only doing the 6 hour.

There was a family from Ecuador on the boat today. It was a woman (originally American, I believe, who has lived in South America for years), her brother (from Fairbanks), her very South American daughter, son-in-law, 3 grandkids, son-in-laws parents and aunt and uncle. Very nice, all of them, but I lost count of how many times I said, "No salte, no corre, por favor," (No jumping, no running, please) to the children. I had to ask the grandma how to say those things, because I've forgotten what little Spanish I once knew.

As I said, really nice people, but it would have been nice if they had helped me out a little when they noticed me trying to get their children to NOT KILL THEMSELVES.

At one point, another lady on the boat leaned over the galley counter and whispered to me, "Don't you just want to STRANGLE the little brats?"

My brain: YES.

Me: They're okay.

Also, the grandma hit her head on the window at one point, hard enough to cause swelling above her eye and bend her glasses slightly. We were watching the sea lions in slightly swelly seas (how's that for awesome alliteration?) and a random big one hit us broadside. She was standing in front of the window putting the cap on her camera so she didn't have a hand to steady herself. I heard the CLONK from half a boat away and brought her some ice. We filled out an incident report. She was okay.

Also, for something a little different and WTFish, a lady on the short trip yesterday (which I was not on) accused the company of discrimination.

We offer free coffee, tea, and lemonade all day. We offer hot chocolate, hot cider, and Russian tea for the price of 50 cents.

This lady told the crew (and wrote in the guest book) that we discriminate against people who don't like coffee by charging for hot chocolate.

Gee, I wish the only problem in my life was having to pay 50 cents for a cup of hot chocolate.

We had 50 hojillion girl scouts on the boat today. They were actually pretty good, and their chaperones were awesome. A bunch of the girls congregated around Cap'n John and just annoyed him all day.

There's a phone in the pilot house and one in the galley so if the captain needs something, he can call down and vice versa if one of the crew wants something and doesn't want to go upstairs.

John had these girls (4th and 5th grade, mostly) crank-calling the galley.

Phone: *BEEP*

Me: *answers, expecting to hear a masculine voice* Hello?

Voice of Young Female: Ummm... *click*

I went upstairs and saw John giggling to himself while one of the girls said, "HE MADE ME DO IT!"

Me: Don't do anything he says. He's a very bad man.

Also, at one point, he told them that if they wanted to see the gerbils that kept the engine running, they had to come down and ask me. I told them that the gerbils could only be seen by someone who stayed after the boat docked and cleaned the heads. The girl said, "I'll do it!" So I drew a gerbil on a paper cup and wrote "Frank" underneath it. One of the girls asked if Cap'n John was afraid of gerbils.

Me: I dunno.

Girl: *runs upstairs, comes back down* He says he is! Hey, we're gonna play a joke on him! *takes the cup and goes back upstairs*

I still don't know what the joke was.

The girl showed me the cup later. She'd crossed out "Frank" and written "Francesca."

And when we got back to the dock today, Ryan (a crew member) was on the docks with Amanda and Colleen, dressed in a disco suit the color of tomato sauce. Being at least 6 feet tall and built like a telephone pole, it looked perfect on him, especially when he did the walk. Picture a cartoon from the '70s, much like the credits at the beginning of Grease, and you'll know what I'm talking about. Ryan's nickname, given to him by the 9 year old daughter of one of the captains, is "Diiiiiva Booooooooooooyyy."

I got sort of pissed off today, too. When were at Bullhead, looking at sea lions, I was on the bow making sure no one did anything stupid like stand on the bench. One of the things that make our tours interesting and special (I think) is that the captains all have a spiel for all the areas and animals we see that is somewhat unique to each of them, while holding basically the same information. So John is talking about sea lions and he ends with "And you may notice that Stellar sea lions don't bark like California sea lions...their vocalizations sound more like groans, grumbles, and growls."

And the guy standing next to me mutters, "No, they sound like a guy who doesn't know when to get off the microphone and stop telling us stuff."

It took all my willpower not to turn to him and say something like, "Well gee, I'm sorry sir, but you see, MOST people actually LIKE to learn." I mean, it seemed sort of like he was a local or had at least been there before, but seriously, there were 67 other people on the boat who were actually ENJOYING the information they were hearing.

I have such a headache. Long trip tomorrow, too. Oy.

So today, we were supposed to have 50-something people on the boat, and 27 of them were gonna be elementary-aged kids from Kenny Lake on their annual educational trip to PWS (with 7 chaperones). They were late. We were ready to board, so we loaded up the 35 passengers who were waiting at the dock and then sat around wondering where in hell the kids were.

Amanda: They're probably singin'.

Me: Singing?

Amanda: Yeah. "Kumbaya" and shit.

Me: Oh god. You think they're gonna be like those people on the port cruise who started singing and formed a congo line?

Amanda: Y'ever seen Children of the Corn?

Me: Uh...the first part. Why, are the Kenny Lake kids like that?

Amanda: Children of the Lake.

John: It's like a cross between that and John Carpenter's Village of the Damned.

Me: Fantastic. Really looking forward to it.

About 10 minutes till cast off, another boat went by our slip, a smaller aluminum boat. There were kids in it. They waved at us.

Me: *jokingly* Think those are the Kenny Lake kids?

Turns out, they were.

Either the chaperones had called our office to cancel but there was a miscommunication, or they just didn't call to cancel. Nice.

Anyway, nothing much else to report. No whales (except a possible Minke that I spotted that we didn't bother to go see because it was being boring) but we did see a pregnant mountain goat down really low on a cliff, napping in a grassy patch.

Oh, and yesterday, I watched a sea lion at Bullhead hump a rock.

And Colleen offered me crew chief.

Mom Left Children Alone for Springer Show.

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