(no subject)

[kokopellinelli]

I went for a walk today. Soon after I left the apartment, I saw a trio of people walking toward me. I crossed the street to the opposite sidewalk, because I thought at first it might be a bunch of the opposite sex, who I happen to be very shy around and with whom I prefer to avoid eye contact. As I drew closer, though, I realized it was a trio of teenage girls. On the heels of that realization came another: I would have preferred the males. The reason for this is because (and I know this is silly), though I graduated from high school 5 and a half years ago, teenage people and especially teenage girls still have the power to make me cringe. Inside, I am still that awkward, chubby, badly-dressed girl I was in junior high and high school. Actually, I'm still that girl on the outside, too, just happier with it now.

The point is, I was walking along, feeling good, and suddenly this small group of TEENAGERS makes me break into a cold sweat just because they look beautiful and confident, chatting and laughing about boys or whatever. I had dressed carefully before I left the house, and I thought I looked cute, but the sight of three casually dressed 15-year-olds brought back flashes of junior high and high school.

The thing is, I wasn't even teased that badly as a teen. I hear stories of kids who are beat up or spit on for being "nerds," and I wasn't. I was laughed at sometimes (for being a major teacher's pet...TOTAL brown-noser...I'm not proud of that) and for not dressing fashionably, and for parting my hair down the middle. But my school was fairly small and so most people knew and were fairly friendly to everyone else.

As they passed, they kept right on talking and giggling, confirming my guess that I'm a spaz and they could care less about me. Did that stop me from feeling like a freak? Nope. And then I passed them again on the way back. Once again, they didn't even look at me. No clue that I am consumed by insecurities around them.

I had thought that I was gaining confidence as I grew older. I look and feel better than I ever have. I am a nicer person. I'm smarter. But clearly I'm not less of a spaz. Therefore, my conclusion. "Kokopellinelli: Not fit for social interaction."

I plan on moving into a cave on a secluded mountaintop and living as a hermit. I will have a garden with herbs and vegetables, and a cat for petting. I will dispense pearls of wisdom to random strangers who happen to find their way to my glade. If anyone wants to come visit, feel free. Dress grungy.

EDIT: On a happier note, I saw a birdie on my walk. He was some kind of raptor...gray in color and maybe a foot tall, maybe a little less. I don't know what he was, but he was pretty.

Comments

[milestogo13.livejournal.com]

Hey, you can have the cave on the mountain next to mine, and we can communicate through smoke signals about how stupid all the people down below are for falling into that whole "fashionable" trap.

Really though, I think I can kind of relate to the thought processes behind your crossing the street. I wasn't ever really picked on (the reasons for which are a story too long to relate here) but I always felt somehow like I should have been. All the kids who liked the same things I did (reading, video games, Monty Python, etc.) were catching absolute hell half the time, but I seemed to live under the radar of the jocks and preps that were responsible for that sort of thing. Some of them even liked me, although my secret hatred for them kept me from reciprocating the sentiment much, all my energy instead focused on trying not to strangle them with their Old Navy sweaters.

I always felt that avoiding them whenever possible was probably a good practice, in case they ever realized their oversight, reclassified me, and decided to make up for lost time.

[kokopellinelli]

MIGOD. It's like you're me, but not female.

Freaky.

Your entire comment is pretty much exactly what I was trying to articulate in the first place, especially I wasn't ever really picked on (the reasons for which are a story too long to relate here) but I always felt somehow like I should have been. All the kids who liked the same things I did (reading, video games, Monty Python, etc.) were catching absolute hell half the time, but I seemed to live under the radar of the jocks and preps that were responsible for that sort of thing. Some of them even liked me, although my secret hatred for them kept me from reciprocating the sentiment much...

And I realize that WAS pretty much your entire comment, but I had to reiterate anyway...

Anyway. Yeah. We should name our caves. Like Meadowhaven and Home Away From Stupid.

[say-revolution.livejournal.com]

You know, I feel like that all the time. I hate the idea that stupid high school girls can intimidate me so much, because what do they have besides teeny little thighs? Really, that's what it comes down to: they're thin and they've always got nice hair; and I'm a bit chubby and my hair is nice in that unkempt way that always looks cool until I see sleek straight hair, and then mine just looks dirty. I always thought I was the only one who got intimidated by 16-year old toothpicks. Good to know I'm not alone :P

[kokopellinelli]

*hugs* Oh good. Ditto in the "good to know I'm not alone" department. It just feels SO FRICKIN RIDICULOUS, doesn't it? Knowing that you are likely smarter and a better person than these girls anyway, but the fact that they're skinny and giggly is able to just slam you back into a miserable teenage nightmare?

[cvburg.livejournal.com]

I can relate, but actually I cross the street to avoid anyone I don't know... Maybe I'm worse off...eesh what if I never get over that when I get to be in my mid-twenties?! You scare me.

[kokopellinelli]

You know what's even scarier? IT'S HEREDITARY! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA.

[cvburg.livejournal.com]

My god. You psycho.

[kokopellinelli]

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