kokopellinelli: (Default)
I'm at work, looking up stuff to put in the Kid's Club Newsletter, and I just thought these were really cute. Found them here.

New Twists on Deep Thoughts!

The following responses were received during a newspaper contest in which contestants from ages 4 to 15 were asked to provide their own "Deep Thoughts" (like those prepared by Jack Handey).

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10

Home is where your house is. --Age 6

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
kokopellinelli: (Default)
I'm watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Some guy was filming a couple other guys holding a small crayfish. He said "Bob and Jim are trying to decide who's gonna let the crawfish bite 'im first. Ah, looks like it's Jim."

Let me pause here to say Jim lacked a shirt.

Bob held out the crayfish toward Jim and Al the Camera Guy said "Do the nipple!"

The crayfish pinched Jim's nipple. Jim started screaming, dancing around, and flailing, yelling "Get it off, get it off!" The crayfish was still firmly attached to his nipple.

Bob finally managed to pull it off, and he was laughing, and Al was laughing, and Jim was laughing through his tears. The real gold, however, is what comes next.

Jim: THAT WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER!

...

Um...yeah?

HOW MANY BEERS DOES IT TAKE TO THINK LETTING SOMETHING WITH PINCHY CLAWS NEAR YOUR NIPPLE IS A GOOD IDEA?
kokopellinelli: (Default)
Another forwarded email from my mommy.

BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLICANS

Mine eyes have seen the bungling of that stumbling moron Bush;
He has blathered all the drivel that the neo-cons can push;
He has lost the sight of reason 'cause his head is up his tush;
The Doofus marches on!

I have heard him butcher syntax like a kindergarten fool;
There is warranted suspicion that he never went to school;
Should we fault him for their policies--or is he just a tool?
The lies keep piling on.

Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
His wreckage will live on.

I have seen him cut the taxes of the billionaire's lone heir;
As he spends another zillion on an aircraft carrier
Let the smoke stacks keep polluting, do we really need clean air?
The surplus is now gone.

Glory ! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
Your safety net is gone.

Now he's got a mighty hankerin' to bomb a prostrate state;
Though the whole world knows it's crazy, and the U.N. says to wait;
When he doesn't have the evidence, "We must prevaricate."
Diplomacy is done!

Oh, a trumped up war is excellent; we have no moral bounds;
Should the reasons be disputed, we'll just make up other grounds;
Enraging several billions-to his brainlessness redounds;
The Doofus marches on!

Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
Glory! Glory! How he'll screw Ya!
THIS...DOO...FUS...MAR... CHES...ON!!!!!!
kokopellinelli: (Default)
Mom got this in an email from one of her old friends (by "old" I mean they've known each other a while), and she sent it to me.

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.

Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Brilliance only comes with age and experience!
kokopellinelli: (Default)
Summer keeps chasing her tail. Her tail continues to prove elusive, however, so she settles for second prize...her hind leg. She actually chews on it for a minute or so when she catches it before letting it go again. Sometimes, she trips herself.

That is all.
kokopellinelli: (Default)
I was driving, Keels was in the passenger seat. When we pulled onto our street, a UPS truck was parked on the right side, in front of a house. A Fed-Ex truck was coming toward us, then, as we watched, it swung into the right lane and went nose-to-nose with the UPS truck.

Keely: Oooh...showdown!

Well, I found it amusing.
kokopellinelli: (Default)
I just found this amusing list I hand-wrote a number of years ago, that I got from the Scott Adams book "The Joy of Work: Dilbert's Guide to Finding Happiness at the Expense of Your Coworkers." I thought many of you might enjoy it.

How To Tell If You Are Talking To An Idiot )

Enjoy.

October 2011

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